Welcome!

Gosh, my first blog on my new blog site. How exciting! You will notice I've included a list of other sites that I visit on a regular basis, as well as an alphabetized list of interests that were generated totally through stream of conscious.

I've been thinking a lot about everything that happened in 2006, mainly Danny's father getting cancer and dying by the end of the year, and feeling like I had enough deep thoughts and emotions in that year to last me a while. As the anniversary of his death grows closer, I find myself thinking of him more and more. During Thanksgiving last year, he went back into the hospital for the last time before his death. My parents came down and saw him for the last time. We were all so happy because the infection in his throat had finally subsided and he was able to eat some of the food his sister made for Thanksgiving. He was insistent that my parents and I join his sister and her family for Thanksgiving dinner even though we wanted to stay with him. He wanted us to be a part of his family. I remember right after that I got a cold, and couldn't see him for a while. I remember feeling a little relieved that I couldn't, because it was so hard to see him suffer. One of the many things I will always regret. People who say they have no regrets in life, are either lying, are heartless, or are too mentally healthy to be allowed in public.
I've also been thinking a lot about forgiveness. We were talking about in class as an important aspect of growth and healing, and damn am I bad at it. I've always been too sensitive, and to protect myself from having my feelings hurt, I get angry instead. And I hold grudges for years. It takes so much energy to stay angry at someone, but yet it seems so difficult to let go of that anger. Maybe because I'm worried that letting go of the anger will leave me vulnerable to be hurt. In class we talked about how forgiveness is not about the person you are forgiving, it's entirely a process within yourself. By forgiving I'm not giving the person any more power over me, but it feels like it.
I think I segued from Frank to forgiveness, because I want to think that he would forgive me for not being there in his last weeks. But Frank was so much like me in that respect- he was sensitive, and his feelings were easily hurt, and he held grudges for years. One of the beautiful things I got to witness in his last months was his forgiveness. He talked to people he had been mad at for reasons they couldn't even remember anymore. He told people he loved them. He let us care for him, and he thanked us. So, maybe, he would forgive me. Maybe he would understand that the reason I had such a hard time was because I loved him. Because he called himself my dad, and I felt like he was in many ways. Maybe he would understand. I wish he could tell me if he forgave me, so that I knew whether or not I can forgive myself.