Learn How to Stucco in 12 Easy Steps

1. Purchase ingredients for stucco and dump into the plastic tub specifically made for mixing stucco. Discover that specifically designed stucco mixing tub is actually too small to mix stucco.

2. Drive to Lowe's, purchase second plastic tub. Return home, divide mixture in half, add the required 2 teaspoons of water, start mixing.

3. Discover that the cement mixer previously mocked at the store is now worth it's weight in gold as mixing large tubs of sand and water is not only agonizing but also takes forever.

4. Become frustrated and add three times the amount of water required in order to speed up the mixing process.

5. Stucco finally mixed, dump some on a trowel and smear it on the wall.

6. Watch all the stucco fall off the wall and onto the ground.

7. Repeat until sweaty and frustrated, then pick up stucco with hands and begin smearing on the wall manually, as a monkey might smear feces.

8. Continue to smear until the "may cause flesh burns" label is spotted on the cement bag.

9. Scream in a girlish manner and hop up and down frantically until a hose is procured.

10. Locate rubber gloves and continue to smear stucco on walls.

11. Once stucco is completely smeared on the wall look up youtube videos online on "how to stucco". Watch videos of Mexican laborers in America doing excellent stucco work, and American missionaries in Mexico doing shitty stucco work.

12. Decide to refer to the stuccoed walls as having a "custom hand applied finish", open a stucco company, and make millions because the only equipment needed is two tubs, a rake, and a pair of rubber gloves.